A Tale Told in the Dark Closet of Middle Earth
by Aerlene
Summary: Well lets see...hmmm....pure....CRAZINESS and utter STUPIDITY! Beware!Mwhahahahaha!
1. The Caddy and Death

A Tale Told in the Dark Closet of Middle Earth

Disclaimer: I own nothing under this story's sun except my own twisted imagination…

(A/N)- Thanks to the author whose name I can't remember (eh! I'm so sorry!!!), for inspiring me to write this. It was because your idea of a 'shadowman' that this story came to be born. So this whole story is dedicated to you! Also I must say here that I wrote the first part of this story for school and that this is my first stab at a humorous fan-fic. R&R!!! ~~~~~Crystal

 P.S. The first 2 chapters aren't that great, well actually they suck ….. so forgive me! I need more coffee and chocolate! 

And so it begins……………

Chapter 1--------------------The Caddy and Death

I died Mr. Shadow person-thing sir. I know, I know I'm very much alive right now but before I came here I died. Yeah it did suck. What? Ohhhh you want to know how I got here. Do you mean to Middle Earth or here in the tangible darkness with you? Since your not answering me as usual and talking is the only thing that will keep me from going psycho-crazy, I guess I'll start off with how I ended up in Middle Earth. 

Well it was beautiful fall night with the stars shining bright, when I was walking home from the store…I had stopped by to pick up the usual garlic-flavored milk and chocolate cherry's cause I had planned on getting my ass home and writing some LOTR fan-fic but of course that never happened. Anyways, so there I was walking along the deserted road to my parent's farm house when I heard the loud belch of a car horn and although the headlights blinded me, I could make out my science teacher Mr. Motley's pink El Dorado Cadillac hurtling towards me. True, true Mr. Shadow it does take a VERY secure man to drive a car like that but that's beside the point, although I always thought he was nothing more than a big pansy… Well I don't remember much after that, just the sensation of getting hit with like 100 baseball bats then I felt I was flying. 

That stupid fat ass bastard ran me over! That shit head went out of his way to hit me! Yeah, yeah Mr. Shadow I know I'm not exactly the 'best behaved' student in the class but honestly!!! That's not a good reason to run over somebody! Oh well, it didn't actually hurt THAT bad…ok well maybe a little. So I lay there for what seemed an eternity staring at the black crumbling pavement just sorta chillin. No Mr. Shadow, I wasn't dead yet that comes next. 

Suddenly I was standing before my broken and crumpled body not really feeling anything, just kind of hovering there, and then I looked up and watched as Mr. Motley swerved and came to a screeching stop. Then I vaguely heard that twat laughing. Laughing! I closed my eyes in anger, vowed never-ending revenge like in the movies, and finally surrendered myself to the sweet darkness that had begun to fog my vision. 

Then Mr. Shadowperson sir, I was here in Middle Earth…with his friggin caddy. How or why in the good Lord's name did the car come with me, I'll never know…       


	2. Of All Weird Things

Chapter 2------------------------Of All Weird Things

(A/N)- Sorry this chapter is so short…

       I awoke in the backseat of the Cadillac, face down on the smooth leather seat. I grunted angrily as I struggled to sit up  since I'd never been that sore in my life…but I suppose you're right Mr. Shadow, my old life not this one (do you have to be so technical?!) Anyhow, after the initial shock and panic wore off (trust me this took quite a while), I climbed into the front seat, silently praying that the keys would be there. But of course with my already ill-fated luck they weren't. I searched frantically for those damn keys then after a minute or so of complete madness the thought occurred to me that I should just look in the glove compartment. 

Yeah I know Mr. Shadow that was the most obvious place but Jesus! I had just died! Give me a fucking break! Anyhow, strangely enough in the compartment I found not only the keys, but also a huge purple carrot, rave hand-lights, cheese-colored nail polish, a rather large bottle of vodka, a telletubie and a variety pack of Trojan condoms. I know Mr. Shadow that was quite a shocker! I mean like, what does a 56 year old man need with condoms? I agree, it should've been more along the lines of Viagra. And who the hell has ever heard of a purple carrot?! 

Anyways I hastily shoved the creepy aforementioned objects into my knapsack which too had managed to come along, and put the keys into the ignition. That's when it finally hit me that I was in a deep dark forest. Barely any sunlight filtered in through the un-naturally thick foliage above me. Talk about disturbing! It was then that I realized I was in Middle Earth (mushrooms as big as the ones I saw simply do not grow anywhere else) and that I was somewhere in Mirkwood, home of the 15-foot spiders that JRR Tolkien said inhabited the woods which now surrounded me on all sides. My heart raced in fear as I finally scanned the line of trees and brush that seemed to be closing in on me. I know Mr. Shadow, I almost DID pee in my pants…     


	3. Work It

Chapter 3-------------------------------Work It 

(A/N) And so the story continues…..Mwhahaha

       There were eyes. Hundreds of them… blinking…staring. A cold shiver ran up my spine and my heart pounded dangerously as I saw the spiders scuttle forward a little more. Don't get scared Mr. Shadow, it wasn't nearly as bad as you think.

With a sudden Xena-like cry I slammed on the gas, plowing forward through the line of spiders and through the dense underbrush. With a broad smile I looked into the rearview mirror and saw that those goddamned spiders were chasing me. I guess they hadn't eaten in a while but whatever. I put the petal to the metal, all the while singing at the top of my lungs "run, run fast as you can, can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man!!!" I know I'm not a gingerbread man, Mr. Shadow, but you're missing the point…never mind. Back to the story. I drove on for what seemed hours over the boundless landscape but I finally stopped when I just happened to run out of gas and come upon another forest. But this new forest was ridiculously beautiful with ridiculously tall trees and a deep ridiculous silence permeated the area. Creepy indeed. I stopped the car and in my joy at having escaped the spiders I put on the CD player. I know Mr. Shadow… I should have realized that I was in the 'sacred forest' of Lothlorien (big deal) just like I should've realized that the keys were in the glove compartment. My bad okay?! Like I already told you, I wasn't exactly all there… cut me some slack! I was still recovering from my death! Anyways, boy was I delightfully surprised when "Work It" began to pound of the speakers. Well, being the crazy, overly-excited girl that I've always been, I got outta the car, got on the roof and began to dance. Yeah, yeah I know it wasn't the most respectful thing to do in the 'forest of the elves', but I just couldn't help myself. I mean like, who cares?! That song is too good not to dance to! Don't be such a party-pooper alright! Just lemme talk.

Anyhow so there I was dancing like I do when I'm in my room, you know, like how you dance when you think no one is around (like a fool of a took). Anyways when I was on the verse "love the way my ass goes bump bump bump, keeps your eyes on my bump bump bump…" I finally realized there were _elves_ watching me…all with an uncomfortable yet curious look on their faces. I think Mr. Shadow that was because A. they had never seen a car before, B. never seen such vulgar dancing plus female skin, and C. I doubt they ever heard of Missy Elliot. 

NO Mr. Shadow I was NOT wearing something skimpy! I was wearing low-rise jeans with a tank-top that said "Sam will kill him if he tries anything" printed on it. Come on Mr. S, get your mind outta the gutter dammit! Anyhow I stopped and stared. My cheeks burned crimson as I realized (I do seem to realize things a little late don't I?) that all the elves surrounding the caddy were male and incredibly handsome. Yes Mr. Shadow I had just made a complete fool of myself in front of the "first-born". Ah well shit happens right? Regaining my infallible confidence I jumped down lightly and smiled.

"Sorry!" I said perkily, looking at all of them with a smile. A ridiculously tall elf in royal garb stepped forward and I recognized him as Haldir.

"Ummmm…" he stuttered not knowing what to say.

"My lady…" he finally started.

"Aerlene. My name is Aerlene, okay?"

"Yes, um right… you are in the…" Once again I interrupted him.

"Yeah I know, I know, the Woods of Lothlorien, Home of The Lady of the Woods Galadriel and her Lord Celeborn, blah blah blah…" I said with an impatient wave of my hand.

"Wait a second! Why are you so ridiculously tall?" I asked peering at him.

"Just know that that is the way of the elves." He said looking at me as if though this was common knowledge. 

"Riiiiiggggghhhhhttt..." I said raising an eyebrow.

"How do you know this?" 

"How do I know what?!"

"How do you know your in Lothlorien?!" Haldir snarled…which made his overly-tweezed eyebrows look 10 times worse.

" Oh right…well it's kinda obvious, I mean what's with these ridiculously tall trees that look like they're made of plastic?" but seeing the elves raise they're bows made me think twice before opening my rather large mouth again.

"Oh no, no, no" I said raising my hands up. Then I had a bright idea and I stepped closer to Haldir. No Mr. Shadow I wasn't gonna try and seduce him silly! That comes later and with another elf duh!

"I am a Seer. I was sent here by my lord um…Bush…Bushel! To help with the War of the Ring. I have seen what may come to pass so I was sent here to give my aid and my allegiance." Yes Mr. Shadow that WAS one of my better lies. The elfy-git looked at me suspiciously but after a minute his face lightened and I patted him on the shoulder.

"I knew you would see it my way elf-boy." I smiled up at his irritated expression and with a swift prance to the car I turned off the music and grabbed my trusty knapsack and was off…       


	4. The Ridiculous Way of Elves

Chapter 4--------------The Ridiculous Way of Elves

(A/N)-  I like this chapter and the next one the best so far. I promise to have chapter 5(The Bow Stroke and The Smackdown) up today…maybe…if I can get off my ass and go buy more chocolate.  

      I followed Haldir deeper into the forest and I kept 'accidentally' stepping on his dress trail and bugging him with "are we there yet?" Mwhahaha!!! What fun it is to be a mischievous 17 year old girl stuck in Middle Earth! Anyways after what seemed like a ridiculously slow paced walk (when I asked Haldir about it he just said something like "that is the way of the elves"…) we finally reached Lothlorien and I was brought to the Lord and Lady. 

Just as I kneeled before them Galadriel began to talk in slow motion in her most mystical sounding voice and I noticed some of the other elves rush to turn the fans on and then her hair too, began to move ridiculously slow. I looked around to see if anyone else was seeing what I was and after I realized that everybody else was trying not to notice, I coughed loudly and Celeborn looked at me uncomfortably.

"Why is she talking so ridiculously slow?" I whispered to him, trying not to be too obvious as the Lady was trying to judge my soul or something by looking at me with her 'mystical elf eyes' which I am quite sure, were just contacts. Celeborn glared at me for a second then mouthed the words "that is the way of the elves" to me and then lightly tapped Galadriel on the arm. 

"Now's not the time for the whole 'mystical prophesizing voice' honey." Celeborn whispered to her. Galadriel looked down quickly and cleared her throat loudly.

"Oh…right…um…just let me know when…" she said under her breath looking sideways at him, trying her best to still look ethereal and wise. Celeborn smiled and gave her a reassuring nod and everything suddenly returned to normal.

 I know Mr. S! She has obviously not mastered the art of 'mystical prophesizing moments'…poor stupid git. And I'm also quite sure she was wearing a wig. Ah well it was funny anyways. 

Celeborn without a moment's hesitation gave me the 'down low' (as he called it) on the immediate future.

"Yo check this: we're gonna walk up this ridiculously tall and oversized tree and there you will meet the fellowship, then you will end up hitting on the ridiculously good-looking elf Legolas, then you will share your purpose here with Aragorn (the guy who's still not king but has a ridiculous amount of manly stubble). Then after you all have rested here for a ridiculously long time we'll send you all on your way with some ridiculous gifts that will probably never be of any use to you whatsoever and we'll also send you away with some not-so-tasty bread that is ridiculously heavy on the stomach. This is the way of the elves. Understood?" He asked looking at me as if daring me to object or something.

 I know Mr. S, talk about paranoid…what a _ridiculous_ elf. And no I didn't think he was hot. The eyebrows were a bit too much. Oh and then after the other elves turned off the 'mystical lighting system' he looked all dingy like he might have soiled himself a few times. Anyways, I put my hands up and with a Fonzie-like "hey hey hey" I told him it was all good. Yes Mr. Shadow this is where it starts to get interesting…gosh just chill alright! Give a living dead girl some damn time to catch her breath will ya?! Bloody hell…..    


End file.
